I really didn’t mean for a month and a half to go by between posts. But I just haven’t been able to follow through with actually posting, even though I’ve thought about it often. It’s been a weird fall. I’d say it’s been overly stressful, but that’s nothing new, and I’ve been able to post through stressful times before. I just feel like I’ve been existing, and not really living.
There have been some positive developments in my research. I did manage to finalize my experiment and I ran it last week (137 participants – yay). As normal, the running part turned out to be just as frustrating as the developing part. This time, the only “easy” part of the whole experiment process was getting ethics approval and participants (which have never been the easy parts before). Instead, I feel like I’ve spent the entire experiment process fighting and frustrated. With the x-box, project spark, the department over lab access, participants who can’t figure out how to read a clock or look at a map.
The startup has also technically had some positive developments. We’re officially in a paid beta, although we keep finding more little “issues” (some that feel pretty fatal to me, but not the others). We have made some money (although no where near enough to even keep the site alive), but it’s still progress. And we’re finding people are accessing the site daily – which is a hurdle within itself.
But generally, nothing actually feels positive. It’s made it hard to get up in the mornings. And hard to get anything done. I’ve spent more days then I want to admit staring at my computer, reading the news and wasting time, while the clock ticks away but progress doesn’t happen. I don’t know how to get out of this funk. Every step forward actually feels like I’m barely even staying still, as I fight a slide backwards.
The descent into winter, with way less sunlight and frigid temperatures (thanks Canada for being pretty far north) is not helping. And realizing this is just the start, and there are a good solid 4-5 months of it ahead is just straight out depressing.
I’m sick of pretending that things are okay. And I wish I knew what I needed to do to make things okay.
I’m going to see if I can at least start posting again. Even if no one is really reading this, it’s nice to have an outlet. To just put it out there. I may need to start up at 750 words again.
I hope you’re having a much better fall than I am.